my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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