She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
