I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
