who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
