my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sorry about my life...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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