new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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