I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
