I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
