There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
