Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
