so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
