I am puke
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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