i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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