So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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