At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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