If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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