I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
