she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
