Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
