What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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