Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize