they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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