my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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