I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
