I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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