In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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