If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize