i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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