my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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