woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
