Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
