I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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