I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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