My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
