It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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