So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
