dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
