How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
