I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
