i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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