Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
