apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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