I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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