Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
