nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
