mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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