I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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