i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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