Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
