Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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