I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
