Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
