On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
