I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
