i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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