I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
