If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
