everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
