i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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