Me. At least after what I've been through.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
